Where We Are Today

This little blog has turned into such a great scrapbook for my life. When I started "blogging" years ago I really had no idea what I was doing. Let's be honest, I still don't. I've never blogged for "readers" or "followers" ... like to know it and linking to make money has never been my jam. Quality photos are a luxury around here, not a necessity. Formatting, spelling, grammar errors - yep they're all still here. And honestly, I'm a-ok with that. Because the more I blog, and the more I link back to passed memories, the more I am so thankful I'm doing it. For myself, and my family ... I love having both the photo to look at and my interpreation of what and why it took place.

I've been quiet around here the last month or so, because there has been SO much happening so fast. Life is legit a whirlwind and I'm just trying to keep up - one day at a time. I've got posts from Halloween I have yet to hit publish on (and hope to do so before Christmas rolls around), I've got some big updates on the house I'd love to share, I'm hoping to bring everyone up to speed on all things medical soon, and sprinkle in a lot of the in between life stuff too. And I'm so thankful I have this little space to remind me of all the things I have to be thankful for. All of the memories I've shared with everyone I love so dearly. And all of the blessings The Good Lord has bestowed upon my life.

So, while I work to put together some blogs about the past month or so, today I thought I'd check in and do a quick - Where We Are Today - at this time in our life. Beyond the pictures, and beyond the silly stories or the what we did this weekend - but really - where are we, as a family, in our lives. Because if it's a scrapbook, an update of what's happening behind the scenes deserves to be noted too.

Lainey // The littlest of the clan, and arguably the happiest, is all about family, friends and Mickey Mouse. You can find her waking up with the best bed head in the morning - throwing all of her blankets out of the crib with the toddler rail - excitedly squealing for someone to come and get her (or often being way to big of a little girl and walking all the way downstairs herself and crawling into our bed to wake us up), so she can put her paci back in the bowl and start her day. She heads downstairs for snuggles and always requests Mickey be turned on the TV. Within 15 minutes, she's made her way to the kitchen and is demanding breakfast or a snack. And then she plays, or joins along in the routine (preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays) and everything in between until her 1.5 hour midday nap after lunch. Post nap she's ready for another snack and is back to playing with her babies ... putting them to bed and "changing" their diapers. If a door is open she's running outside, and if there is a pile of dirt she dives right in (literally). You have to watch her around anything that COULD be edible (read the fine print - just because it isn't edible, doesn't mean it CAN'T be) because if it can fit in your mouth Lainey will certainly attempt to eat it. She follows her brother around for a good remainder of the day and keeps the whole family laughing until it's time for bed. Food, fashion (ha!), all the fake makeup sessions and Mickey Mouse keep her going and as long as she's got her family and friends she's pretty content.

Bennett // Ahhh the smart one in the family. This little man is a 40 year old trapped inside a 4 year old's body and he's a force to be reckoned with. This mister starts his day with a mix of needing to be coaxed out of bed with promise of something sweet for breakfast, and/or on his own ready to take on the world if he went to bed early enough the night before. Pending which side of the bed he wakes up on, he's either ready to chat and watch some morning cartoons or you better stay out of his way - there typically is no in between for him. He's off to school Tuesday through Friday - although getting him to share many details about his day can be a bit of a challenge. But, his reports from his teachers/friends/and other mama's let us know he's totally killing it. When his little sister naps he can't wait to get his hands on an iPad for his quiet time and would play it all day if we would let him. He loves to recite movie quotes and has a memory sharp as a tack. On the weekends you can catch him playing midfield on some sports team, and looking for his buddies to wrestle with. He has the best stories, loves to incorporate some form of potty talk (preferably poop) into any conversation and you can always count on him to keep his sister out of harms way. He also told the entire family last week he intended to marry his mommy - so his heartthrob status is currently through the roof. He prefers a smaller circle than his sister, but if you're in it - you are IN IT and that's exactly where we all want to be!

Katie // I'm currently the one multi-tasking my way through life. I'm at that phase where my foot is halfway in one door, while halfway walking out of another. Three days out of the week I'm momming so hard -- the taxi cab to and from school, the meal maker, the boo-boo kisser, the story listerner, and the referree. The other two days I'm juggling between finding much needed "me" time and putting on my working girl hat. Please note however, my mornings ALWAYS begin with my husband making me coffee - and no matter how many years I plan to check-in like this, that will always remain the same - I am still NOT a morning person.  I frequent meetings for various family business things and I'm taking the photography hobby a little more seriously. I drink coffee atleast once a day (most days twice and occasionally three) and enjoy a glass of Pinot Noir on some evenings. I go through weird phases of being completely normal and fine and then sheer panic about my health. My Aunt constantly reassures me, I'm building a lot of character through this journey - so maybe one day I'll figure out what the purpose of that "character" is - but for now I'll continue to take it moment by moment.  My extroverted-self wanting all the friends all the time heart (ahem, my Lainey-ism) is slowly converting to more of a Bennett circle as I'm coming to the point in my life were friendships mean so much more than surface level - and I am so thankful for the friendships and relationships I have that continue to lift me up and bring me true fulfillment.  I'm working hard on my relationship with the Big Man Upstairs and learning that all of those other things I "need", I really don't. Life is slowly falling more into place, the kiddos are getting a little more self-reliant and I'm starting to see glimpses of my pre-mom self shining through :)

Shane // Ahh so much I could say about him from my eyes (all the heart eyes), but this is about him, so I'll move on. Shane is working his tail off in the beer biz. He's all things beer, all the time and he's feeling really fulfilled in his professional life. He's up early and home for dinner (most of the time) and his kiddos absolutely cannot wait to give him the world's biggest hug the moment he walks in the door. He's healthy and fulfilled, but life has been hard on him the last couple of  years. All of those closest to him have walked some pretty serious trials and tribulations, and he's had to remain super strong for everyone else. He's a walking Jana Kramer song lyric of being a boy and becoming a man - and while that sounds super cliche it's also super true. He's gone from a hot-headed boy to a cool and steady handed man, and it suits him really well. He's got most of it all together ... but if you ask him to pack the kiddos a lunch you might have a melt down on your hands. When he's not hustling beer, he's being super dad and giving the best advice about "being tough" while coaching Mr. B in flag football, or getting even further wrapped around Lainey's finger. You can find him playing the tripping game most nights with the kiddos in the basement and he's the fearless nightly leader of bath and bedtime. If there's one thing he knows better than beer, it's the written text from cover to cover of "Goodnight Moon, Where the Wild Things Are, and The Kissing Hand". He's the world's biggest optimist with lofty business dreams and a fierce love for his people. And we simply couldn't love him more.

As we head into a week of Thanksgiving - I'm so thankful. Thankful for our family and the three people I get to call mine <3 What an honor and a blessing.

A Day In My Life

We went to our basement one night last week to have a movie night. Complete with popcorn, extra blankets, beverages for everyone and let the kiddos pic the feature film. Scrolling through their options they both easily agreed on Smurfs. And when the kids land on a "decent" family film that we haven't seen 400 times Hubs and I click "select" way too fast. We're in the "watch every movie we like on repeat" ALWAYS phase right now and while I love to listen to Branch (aka Justin Timberlake) sing his little Troll heart out - I'm about O.V.E.R. it :) 

So, Smurfs it was and we all snuggled up for movie night. If you've seen the movie you would probably agree with me, it's a solid mix between Trolls and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. All of the Smurfs have themed names based on what their talents are. I.e. Hefty is the strong one, Brainy is the smart one, etc. but the one that made us all laugh hysterically for some reason was Nosey - aka - the nosey/in everyone's business one. One scene in particular was in the beginning when everyone is being introduced and Nosey walks by a window, peers his little head in and in this silly voice said "Hey what's going on in here?!" - to which the Smurfs reply "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS" and he walks off and said "Oh, alright."

Not funny at all right? Right. Except his voice is spot on, and Bennett and I love to resight it to one another all the time and it makes us laugh - so I thought I would share :) Also, wanted to let you in on a little secret that Nosey Smurf is the inspiration behind today's post. I always love reading when other blogger's share their day. Nothing special, nothing fancy, just "A Day in The Life." It let's me be a little nosey and I also love spying on THOSE moms that seem to do EVERYTHING ... and I'm always "HOW DO THEY DO IT?! I WISH I COULD JUST SEE INTO THEIR LIFE FOR ONE DAY!" ... I am certainly NOT one of THOSE moms ... we barely keep things a float around here. But, nevertheless - if you're interested - here's "A Day In The Life." A Thursday to be exact. A Thursday in September 2017.

6:20 am ~ Shane heads to a Men's bible study early on Thursday mornings, so I got up soon after he left to start my day. About 6:20 I was pouring hot coffee in a quiet house in the morning. I should also note - this is a great perk about my husband - he makes the coffee everyday :) Usually we drink it out of Tervis Tumblers and it's almost always on my nightstand waiting for me before my feet ever hit the floor. But, on occasional mornings I prefer the warmth of holding a mug and cozying up.

 After a few sips of coffee and a little background morning news, I packed up Bennett's lunch box.

6:52 am ~ Then headed to my office to finish up some work before I needed to get the kiddos up for school. Bennett goes to school Tuesday - Friday and stays late on both Wednesday and Thursday. Lainey heads to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays and has extended day on Thursday - so it's usually my full day to get A LOT done for the week. I had a session from the week before I was sending out, and needed to organize a few meetings and get some emails out in the inter webs.

 7:49 am ~And before I knew it - little miss was hollering "MOMMY, DADDY" Ya'll this girl is the happiest little on the planet. What person wakes up EVERYDAY with a smile from ear to ear and hugs galore?! Okay actually, both my mother and my husband do too ... but I certainly do not - NOT a morning person over here (and my sweet B isn't either), but little miss and her daddy are always so happy :) and she always looks so well rested.

 Then we got ready for school ... I always struggle with whether or not I should get her dressed before or after breakfast (because she's ridiculously messy) but this morning, Shane was gone I knew I didn't have an extra hand and we had time which meant we could give Bennett the extra time to sleep (which is always a good choice) ... so we got ready first.

 8:00 am ~ time to wake up Bubby! Complete with the "good morning to you - monkey song" our kiddos favorite and lots of kisses and snuggles while he was "still waking up" - his favorite thing to say in the mornings.

 I coaxed him into FINALLY getting out of bed with bribery and letting him know I had cinnamon rolls in the oven for breakfast :) Making my kiddos cinnamon rolls in the morning before school takes me straight back to my childhood. We were a cereal house for the most part during the week ... I have two brothers and it always seemed like we were rushing to head out the door to school ... BUT on the mornings my mom woke up early and had it all together she ALWAYS ALWAYS made cinnamon rolls and walking downstairs to that smell was THE BEST. The other times we didn't have cereal were the mornings dad took us to school (which was always WAYYY too early) and we'd have to wait in the cafeteria for school to start - BUT - it usually also included a McD's breakfast stop before school too -- which was also a great addition to the morning. But here's my little mini me - still tired and swollen and only awake because someone promised him something delicious :)

 8:15 am ~ we make our way to the kitchen, land on some morning cartoons we all agree are suitable for our breakfast and dig in.

 While the kiddos scarf some food - I tend to the rest of the morning chores before we have to scurry out the door - feed the dog, get the rest of the school bags packed and in the car, make sure I have all of my items I'll need for the day, etc.

 Then get mister Bennett dressed and head to the garage (it was purple day at school for B and we were hard pressed to find purple in his wardrobe - luckily our boys in purple - Louisville City - came through for us!)

  **** OKAY -- so here's a little something I'm sharing that was certainly the biggest LOW of my entire day -- and these photos were actually taken way later in the afternoon --- but need to be placed here to chronologically make sense. Y'all --- just thinking back and typing this is making me sweat. Alright, so I opened the garage door, turned the car ON to get some air flowing and opened the Bennett's back car do to let the kid "climb up" in their seats ... then I realized I'd forgotten to take Maggie out so I told them to hop in their seats while I walked Maggie to the patch of grass two feet away.

I turned my back to literally say "Maggie go potty" turned back around and THE GARAGE DOOR WAS CLOSED! The car was on, my keys were in the ignition, my phone was in my purse IN THE CAR, and SO WERE MY CHILDREN!!!!! Inside the garage, with a car running, near all kind of garage tools and stuff that still hasn't been properly put away since the move and I had NO WAY TO GET TO THEM!! Our garage does not have a keypad installed yet and my keys were in the car. I started FRANTICALLY screaming Bennett's name thinking I could coach him through how to help me, but he started screaming back that he had already buckled himself into his car seat (a great trick he knows how to do at literally EVERY moment but this one) and a straight PANICKED!

Everything went through my head - should I run to the neighbors? Do I kick in the brand new garage door, all the things that could go wrong, EVERYTHING! I started kicking the side door repeatedly, when I realized we have a side door with a glass top ... and a cute lawn owl (that also is a story for another time) that would be able to break the glass and I could unlock the door from the outside. So out come my mama bear claws and VOILA - I'm back inside. What felt like 3 hours was probably more like 5 minutes but HOLY SMOKES. Garage keypad will be installed next week :)

9:15 am - 20 minutes late for school and I need a shower - but both kids are dropped off and I'm a free woman for a few hours.

 9:30 am - I'm waiting at a body shop to get an estimate on my latest brilliant move of backing into my neighbors mailbox - such a great way to say welcome to the neighborhood - DUNCE CAP. Luckily Fixer Upper was on in the waiting room :) PERK!

 10:15 am - I realize in the midst of the breaking the window craziness I forgot to grab my breakfast - so after my car appointment I was STARVING, and certainly needed more coffee.

 10:45 am ~ I had a bunch of errands to run - so that took up most of my time until it was time to pick up little Lou Bug.

 12:00 pm ~ Lainey usually has extended day on Thursdays, but she couldn't this week - so I had to  snag little Miss from school at normal time and we headed home to have some lunch.

 12:30 pm~ lunch time for me and little bit. We chatted about her day while I sorted through the mail.

 1:15 pm ~ I laid little miss down for her afternoon nap and headed back to my office to finish the work I'd started that morning. Emails never end folks. Neither does laundry. While I tackled some afternoon work, I also streamed Game of Thrones on HBO Go because it's currently on my much watch list. I've just started season 4 and cannot believe the way season 3 ended! AHHH!

This is also usually where Hubs and I check in with one another about our days - he was in Evansville helping with the canning line for the new Falls City Beer can launch, so he was sending me all the photos like a kid in a candy store. 

 3:39 pm ~ I woke little miss up from her nap around 2:40 and we loaded up the car once again to snag her brother from his extended day. After we picked him up we headed to the mall. My mom needed me to check something out for her so we stopped in real quick and then took a few minutes to have a cookie break and throw some monies into the fountain.

 4:45 pm ~ we're finished with our errands and business for the day and head home to play, hang and be home! Everything from stickers, to Trolls bowling, sidewalk chalk, and hide and seek. We also set up our Himylayan salt lamp that I've been wanting to try and the kids loved the fancy orange glow!

 6:20 pm ~ their sassy attitudes remind me it's time to start thinking about dinner. Shane was headed to Cinci for the Thursday night Bengals game which meant I was home alone with the littles and also meant I was splurging on dinner :) Postmates sushi for me. YAY!

 And leftover pizza and fruit for the kiddos!

 While the kids ate dinner, we worked on our monthly Highlights magazine that had arrived (B really loves the hidden picture puzzles)

7:00 pm ~ After the kiddos were done eating I sent them to the basement to bounce off the last bit of energy before bedtime, while I called our alarm company to handle some doorbell issues we've been having, and wait for my dinner to arrive (postmates was way behind). Dinner arrived. The doorbell was working, the kids were playing nicely and I sat down to listen to my book and eat my dinner in peace ...

But, that's hilarious because after two pieces of Sushi the kids were screaming at each other. Lainey was crying "Bubby hit me" and Bennett was arguing his case that it didn't happen the way she was saying it went down. So, my yummy sushi sat on the counter while I played bounce house and basement toys to avoid anymore nighttime meltdowns. BTW - this bounce house is from Amazon, we bought it for Bennett's 3rd birthday party on their Cyber Monday sale and it was the best money we EVER spent!

 Daddy sent us "look how much fun I'm having" pictures and I secretly roll my eyes while I break up yet another fight :) hah!

8:15 pm ~ mama calls the bath and bedtime alarm .. and while I'm scrubbing off my makeup, I hear Bennett yelling LAINEY DON'T DO THAT! and come back in the bathroom to find her "helping" her stuffed animals go potty -- which translates as completely summering them into the toilet. Which reminds me, they are currently still int he guest bathtub and I should probably throw those things in the washer.  RASCALS!!

8:40 pm ~ We put on our pjs, brush our teeth, take our allergy medicines, and pick a couple of books to read together. Bennett was EXHAUSTED - so I tucked him in first, kissed him goodnight and little Lou and I headed to her room for a few more books that are better suited for her age before tucking her in.

 9:00 pm ~ the house is silent, dinner is FINALLY served and Game of Thrones is streaming once again. I head to bed around 10:45 and wake up to do {most} of it all again the very next day! :)

And there you have it folks! A day in the life. Nothing glamorous, nothing fancy - just a normal day for us. And we're glad to have them. Cheers to many more normal days ~ and the freakin' weekend!

Confession: The Results Are In

The Results are in, and they have absolutely nothing to do with political parties! Can I get an Amen?! Well maybe ... I'm not sure this subject is really that much better. It's been a while since I've checked in to report on my self titled story, Katie's Kronicles, and I'm here today to do just that. If you're new around here, click the link on Katie's Kronicles to catch up ... because there's quite a bit you've missed! And if you already know what's happening and you're looking to read the next chapter, then grab a cup of joe and dive right in. I've got lots of updates and new details to share! Just a heads up before you get down to it...there is A LOT of information here, and I'm trying to keep it as light as possible and explain without confusing you; so if you have questions please know you can always reach out to me, I realize this is vast and complex! And as always, thank you for your support both near and far, it truly means so very much to me.

With that, I never blogged my 3 month follow up results (and there's a reason), so it's probably best we step back a few months and start there. I blogged in May about news we received in April, that I was cancer free! We saw several different doctors, got varying opinions and made the choice to forego post-surgical treatment (i.e. immunotherapy and/or chemo).  We made this decision because our results were so clean and much of the advice we received from oncology was to not subject my body to the side effects (which were TERRIBLE) of the drugs I was eligible for. And moreover we had long discussions about the fact that if the cancer did come back, they would take me off the current drugs I was on and place me on a better drug ... so we made the decision and vowed to only look forward.

Let's start by saying, my 3 month survivorship scans (I will have these at 3&6 month intervals for 2 years) a brain MRI and PET scan (of the rest of my body) were all clear! Praise God! Here's a photo from that day ... our typical waiting room selfie we've taken at nearly every visit.

Ya'll these days are HARD. Anyone who has walked a similar road knows how taxing these days can be. You're poked and proded all morning, coupled with spending too much time in terrifying and loud machines, only to go to a waiting room where you helplessly and anxiously wait to hear the results that could change the rest of your life as you know it (over which you have zero control). I'm not really much of a complainer, but this part of things is downright terrible. The feelings and thoughts that creep into your mind are just awful. But I've gotta tell you something. This guy up there in black and white is as colorful as they come ... and he promised me I would never walk any of it alone. And, I am so grateful for him.

Anyways, sorry got off on a tangent there. We got great news, it was a great day and we were on cloud 100! I should also mention (more for my own memory in years to come), there was also an incredibly annoying "bump" both myself and the surgeons diagnosed on my scar.  It could have possibly been local recurrence of the melanoma ... so after a day of waiting we were back in the hospital waiting for ultrasound. I don't even remember the name of it now, but essentially it was a scar cyst they told me I would likely have for the rest of my life and not to be at all concerned. But go figure, as of this week's scan it has already resolved :) So, three cheers for this visit!

However, here's the caveat to those results and why I never blogged those details. A few weeks following those scans I woke up to a spinning room. A spin so severe I thought I would physically get sick. It totally freaked me out. The spins would come and go (often with head movement) and maintained for a good part of a couple of weeks. I began to tell people about it and everyone played it off as vertigo. I agreed it sounded EXACTLY like vertigo, but with everything that has happened, there was a small piece of me that was terrified. Melanoma plays by no rules - but one of the places it often metastasizes (moves to) is the brain. Shane and I agreed we needed to inform my surgeon and she didn't wait 2 seconds and sent me for a brain MRI the following morning. And guess what ... a 2 millimeter enhancement showed up on my scans.

Now, take a breath, it's not as bad as it sounds. A MRI scans the body in 2D (so think about it like there is a scan from the top down and from one side to the other) - so, for something to prove to actually exist it has to be present in both dimensions. And this enhancement showed up in only one dimension - so this is good news! Additionally, the location of the enhancement (and 2mm is very small by the way) is in a spot that would be very rare for melanoma to be. The neurologists + radiologists (3 of them!) all believe the enhancement to be an enlarged blood vessel and nothing to worry about (Praise God again!). But, they wanted to scan again in 3 months (which was happening anyways) to confirm there was no change or growth to the enhancement. We have to wait that amount of time because you have to give something time to actually change if it is going to (I agree, it was terrifying and felt like forever to wait). While this was great news, it still left a small pit in our stomachs, and I elected to withhold the news until we knew more.

That being said, let's speed up to this past weekend and our second round of survivorship scans. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am beyond thankful for a family that has supported be through this journey. I simply cannot imagine walking this walk alone. I consider myself a strong gal, but I'd be nothing without my support system. My parents came into town to help with the kiddos so Shane and I could breathe a little easier knowing they were in good hands. We woke up early Sunday morning and headed to the hospital where I began my series of scans. First up was my brain MRI followed by a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis. After a long day at the hospital my peoples were ready to take on the day with me and be an excellent distraction for the nerves we were fighting until we'd hear the news the following day. We spent a wonderful fall day exploring Franklin, TN and all was right with the world for a brief while.

We said our prayers, headed to bed ... and woke up bright and early once again to head back to the hospital. First up cancer clinic lab ... blood draws and the whole ordeal to get vitals, liver enzyme counts, white blood cell counts, the works. Next up, surgical oncology, and the results. She walked in with a smile on her face, a deep breath and a "from what we see the preliminary results are clear" ... cue tears and deep breaths. Followed by, "unfortunately neither of your readings have been submitted and we'll have to call you on the final report". So we could breathe, but not as easy as we would have liked. After surgical onc ... we headed down the hall to see medical oncology, and more of the same story. It was all in all an upbeat visit, but we left feeling a small pang of fear. But we continued to smile, to pray, and cling to our faith and each other. And in good tradition, we took another waiting room selfie ... because it's what we do.

After those visits we snagged lunch, headed to the Vanderbilt 100 Oaks location and waited again to see dermatology ... skin cancer ain't a joke y'all ~ WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN! I now see the dermatologist every 3 months as well, and have about 2-3 spots biopsied at nearly every visit. And this visit was no different, three new spots sent for testing. While we were there we received the call with results from both scans ...

The brain MRI still showed my 2mm enhancement, but there was no change since our last scan and the neurologists still feel as though this is a blood vessel. Because the enhancement is proving to be stable, my medical team has agreed to have my brain MRI's decreased in volume and now simply do annual scans. Additionally, they urge to rest easy and feel confident there are no signs of metastatic disease in the brain.

The CT scan however, showed us some new detection that rattled me (new findings in the liver - another common place for melanoma to metastasize). The CT scan, with contrast, takes three images: one at the beginning when the contrast is entering into the organ(s), another when it is inside the organ(s), and lastly when it is leaving the organ(s). The last image showed variation compared to my previous CT scan and the radiologist saw two nodules (which she believed to be arterial enhancement), but given my history she had low suspicion this could be metastatic disease in the liver. Given that report, my doctors opted to take the tests one step further and ordered to get a MRI of the abdomen, so we could get better imaging to be able to confirm or deny the findings.

They worked fast, and I was scheduled for an abdominal MRI Tuesday morning at 8am. The rest of the day was a blur. We were exhausted, our nerves were shot, and waiting on another round of results while manning a threenager and a nearly walking toddler was brutal! But the phone rang at 5:20pm and the results were in. And we were able to breathe. Again, the MRI showed two areas of the liver they were reviewing. One area they are nearly certain was simply arterial enhancement (similar to that in my brain) and basically means my blood flow is more rapid than what's considered normal.  The second area is what is called "focal nodular hyperplasia (FNH)" and essentially means the same as the first, except they are creating a small benign tumor of sorts.  It's an island of blood vessels and a build up or growth of normal liver tissue. The radiologist does not believe they are associated to the cancer or a melanoma metastasis in anyway. But, they are cause for slight concern and they want to (obviously) continue to monitor them because they can continue to grow and cause bleeding or pain.

Because of this, they will add an abdominal MRI to my round of 6 month scans for the remaining years of my survivorship scanning program to keep an eye on things and ensure their readings are correct. A further test would be a biopsy of the area, however if this is a true FNH biopsying the area could do more harm than good, because it could cause internal bleeding. The doctors and I talked a lot about the blessing and the curse of being scanned so often, and the effects of amazing imaging. My dermatologist mentioned to me, that I was frequently talked about at tumor board, and that everyone is working my case with a fine toothed comb because of the complexity (pregnancy, age, etc).  Therefore, they are pointing out anything and everything that normally they may just side note for another patient.

So, all of that to say, we are breathing easier, but not easy. We trust our team of doctors. We feel as though we are in great hands. I know for certain they would start me on drugs, or biopsy areas the moment they felt it was necessary. But, I'd be lying if I told you there wasn't a small piece of me that felt completely terrified hearing "We've now found something in your brain, and two spots in your liver we never saw before, but don't worry it's all totally not a big deal." Uhm!?!? That seems like a big deal to me! So, per usual I requested a second opinion :)

And don't get me wrong, it's a big deal to them too. But, they deal with this everyday, they see this stuff everyday. They went to school to learn the difference between a benign artery enhancement and something that could be deadly. I chose them to be my team. I've talked a big game about having faith. And trusting none of my journey has come by surprise to The Big Man Upstairs. He has been with me from the beginning, and again it is time to have faith. It's in times like these I always wish so desperately I was good with words ... but reality is ... I'm just not. So I'm going to quote my Aunt Toby, my spiritual rock and one of my ultimate uplifters from the very beginning, and focus on His truth guided by her wisdom. Without some of her conversations my darkest days would have been a heck of a lot darker...

Anytime one hears "tumor" it brings concern. And just the fact it's there is troublesome. But, the key is they did NOT say cancer. They did not say "do surgery now!" They are aware of it, and they have a plan. Tumors can occur from fluid build up and other things. Tumors can be removed and dissipate on their own, by medicines and by God. 

Have you had peace of mind completely since this has begun?! No! Would any of us?! Seasons of reprieve ... yes ... peace ... yes. But fear manages to creep in. This is the fight of the spirit as well as a very intense focus of our being on trusting and having faith in God. AND listening to the medical field ... trusting their expertise BUT praying, believing God for healing. Whether all done in miracle form by God or through medicine and/or surgery. Take what they say ... prayerfully give it all to God, trusting he is working, guiding you each step of the way.

Even Jesus suffered, stressed, questioned before he began his walk to the cross. Scripture says he went to the mountains to pray the night before he was arrested and sweat drops of blood as he asked his Father God to take this cup from him ... if possible.

I know God is with you, I know His word is alive and powerful to heal. I know your life is in His hands. What that looks like only He knows. But He means us good, not bad. It's the journey that is hard to pinpoint.

Question your doctors, do your own research, get second opinions if necessary, pray, trust God, claim His promises in scripture. When fear or worry start to overwhelm you, get in The Word. Spend time alone with God. Faith comes by hearing ... hearing by The Word of God.  

And that my friends is where we are today. We knew this road was going to be long. We knew this road had the potential to be hard. We knew we would question. They weren't perfect scans. There is more than one element that is in question and more than one element that brings an abundance of uneasiness. And here we are, on the road, hitting some bumps, questioning.  But as I said in the beginning, I'll continue to take off the gloves if I have to. Has it rattled us? Yes. Will fear win? No! It is up to me to focus on finding the good. To continually choose to walk by faith and not by sight. And that is what we plan to do.

Quoting my dad, I challenge myself and anyone reading ... "We've been taught to pray and the good Lord promised us and our children long, productive and healthy lives ... Not perfect by any stretch ... Never lose your faith and believe in God's will. He has a perfect plan for you ... GREAT plans for you ... go live them!"