Shane is working late tonight, Bennett is preoccupied with snacks and an episode of Mickey Mouse because quite frankly, it's the only form of parenting I'm capable of right now. I want to call my parents, but they're on the other side of the world and it's already tomorrow or the next day or something like that and of course service is spotty, so no answer. So, I turn to my blog. My online journal and anyone out there who's interested in hearing what little ole' me has to say. So many thoughts are swirling in my head.
I keep going back to a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a girlfriend of mine, hey Caroline, and explaining all of the feelings running through me surrounding this move. Feeling a little embarrassed at the number of emotions I shared, I sent one of those crazy emoticon faces I use entirely too frequently in an effort to make myself sound somewhat more sane. She assured me she'd have to check my pulse if I WASN'T feeling all of those emotions and somehow, in some weird way, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Additionally, I was frolicking in blogland and stumbled upon this entry from Loves of Life. I smiled at the time and thought hmm, that's nice to hear it's not just me going through it. But I just re-read it and it helped to put me at a great ease ... or an "eerie peace" as the other Katie put it. Bottom line, they're right. Feeling everything I'm feeling, although extremely overwhelming, is normal and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. But, I'd be lying if I told you my mind wasn't wandering and asking myself over and over a thousand questions.
"Are we doing the right thing?"
"Will we regret this later?"
... and I always answer with "How will we ever know if we don't try!?"
That's exactly how I feel, I need to try this and live that life. I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm anxious, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm worrisome, I'm a little heart broken, I'm fearful, I'm eager, I'm ready, and yet I still feel a pull to stay. I feel each of these feelings daily. Some days are more positive, others not so much. It's just for lack of a better words: A LOT.
The feelings aren't new to me. In fact, they're sort of a feeling of comfort for this wanderer who can never seem to keep her feet in any one place for too long. But, since this is my blog ... and my space to share what's going on ... I'd be lying if I didn't say, this time it's different. This time it's not just about me. This time, it's my family. It's all of us. And most importantly, it's ten tiny cookie covered fingers and a grin that could melt the Grinch's heart that make it all feel very different this time.
Growing up, my immediate family and I were very close (still are) and although we lived two hours from our closest extended family .. my parents did their best to make sure we also stayed close to them as well. Additionally, I am so fortunate to be born to parent's that have a love for travel (hello Christmas in Australia!), entrepreneurship, seeking new opportunities, and even more so, I too have been granted the same feelings to love those very things as well.
However, being close but not too close, always seeking the next adventure, and the ability to pick up and go when and how we wanted ... I fear has boxed me into a category of life only few understand. It's a weird place, and hard to explain. But it's a feeling that I'm unsure will ever truthfully be shaken from my core: I seek change and willingly accept it, probably too frequently.
But, it's been a part of my being since I can remember. As a child my family moved five times. In middle school, I changed schools (twice) on my own accord. In high school, I changed schools on my own accord (don't even get my friends started on this topic ... it's still a touchy subject). In college, I studied abroad (twice) in both Italy and London. Since Shane and I have been together we have moved twice, changed jobs and had a baby. None of this is necessarily out of the norm and change is inevitable, but with my track record it seems to find me more frequently.
Don't get me wrong ... like I said, I'm thankful. I love this life, and wouldn't want it any other way, I truthfully mean that. Furthermore, I am beyond grateful for the lessons my parents have taught me. But now, I too am a parent, and I view things differently.
And with this move, the uproot, the change (that we are choosing to say yes to) I can't help but wonder whether my lifestyle has created an expectation for change and newness in my brain. Has it somehow made me hard-wired for starting over periodically? And if so, do I want that for our kids? For them to turn into people who need the stimulation of picking up and beginning anew every so often? Could I be damaging him (them hopefully, someday ... no this is not an announcement or read between the lines about being pregnant ... but there are plans for more at some point), somehow, with this?
And then, after I think about all of that and play every scenario over and over again in my mind ... I remember, we're his parents. We promised to protect him and show him the best life in the ways we know how, and right now this is our way. This is the path we've chosen to take, and plan to do so with our best foot forward. People do this everyday. It's going to be okay. It's an adventure. A fun one we're doing TOGETHER. We have one another and will grow from this. Nothing is permanent and change is inevitable.