Tuesday, August 26, 2014

How to Eat a Giant Marshmallow

Uhm, yes you read that right. I plan to share the utterly amazing step by step process of eating a giant marshmallow, with fun toddler pictures included.

Basically, I went to DC this weekend with all of my girly friends for a much needed gals weekend.  I proceeded to pretended as though I was once again wild and carefree without an ounce of responsibility.  Only to come home Sunday and be smacked in the face with two giant sized Costco bags of campfire marshmallows and realize, that is not the least bit true (okay, so the marshmallow bags to the face didn't really happen … but it seemed like a fitting analogy).

Alas, in my completely overwhelmed state of confusion with what to do next on my never ending to-do list, that I have been avoiding like the black plague, I hit a low point.  Today, while my toddler was testing my nerves, I decided to give in to his fury and simply feed him fortified sugar in hopes it would put an end to his incessant whining. In his defense I was all zombie like shuffling around the house and only read his favorite book twice compared to the normal fifteen … so it wasn't really his fault.

First, I gave him a popsicle. It was green and he seemed to like it okay.  I took a bite because it looked delicious (and maybe because my lunch consisted of coffee and a piece of cheese) only to discover it was some weird remake flavor of green apple … I made a disgusted face and threw it out without thinking.

He then proceeded to head into a full blown tantrum, so I opened the freezer door and opened him a fresh red one. Five minutes later I took another look in horror as my son, my dog, my windows, my floors, even my kitchen chairs were covered in a melty sticky red popsicle mess. Again, it's my own fault.

WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN KATIE?! You cannot simply hand a 14 month old child a red popsicle and expect him to eat it gracefully, uhhh duhhhh. Hurry, return quickly to DC and retrieve what is left of your brain before you end up some crazy woman. 

Okay, so it wasn't my brightest moment I agree. But in my haste I grabbed said red popsicle from his hands, threw it in the trash and went to cleaning. Only to realize … he was not finished. Yep, another tantrum.  At this point, there wasn't much left to do but laugh. And find another sugary replacement for his needs.  Que marshmallow introduction.

I had to laugh, and proceed to document the antics, because who would really believe me if I didn't?  And, if I wasn't doing this then I'd better be working and my brain just simply couldn't get there knowing there was nothing but sticky red popsicle residue all over the kitchen.  So, this seemed like a much better alternative. And before anyone makes any comments about how terrible my comma usage is right now, or how many run-on sentences just happened … I'm aware and yet will not be fixing them. Again - brain is not functioning at full capacity.

Anywhoodles, I give you: Giant Marshmallow Consumption

Step 1: Beg for sugary marshmallow treat
Step 2: Shove entire marshmallow into your mouth, even if it does not fit. Apparently removing your pants in another required step … must have missed that one.
Step 4: Run away as fast as you can so your mother does not make you remove giant marshmallow from mouth.
Step 5: Continue running, because you're a toddler and it's funny.
Step 6: Barricade yourself between the kitchen table and windows. Your mother is too large to fit, and if she tries, simply watching her will be worth the effort. Plus, you can continue to taunt her with the giant marshmallow still in your mouth.
Step 7: For added mother humiliation, pretend you are going to climb onto the table. That will really get her going.
Step 8: Kindly come out from the table because your mother is starting to have a panic attack and make her think you are going to give in.
Step 9: Be sure to show her the marshmallow is still completely in tact and you will not give it back. Add a smile so you're not in trouble, because she thinks this is really cute.
Step 10: Bend knees and begin to chew. This is getting tiresome.
Step 11: Stretch. You need to stay awake for the grand finale.
 Step 12: Giggle incessantly at your accomplishments thus far.
Step 13: Focus. Focus. Focus. You are almost there. Starting to drool, but this is a good sign. It means you have almost mastered the entire marshmallow in one sitting, and THAT my friends is an accomplishment.
 Step 14: Take a selfie with mom, but be sure to cut her out … she's had enough on her plate today.
Step 15: Lay on the ground and have your doggie help you with some of that marshmallow drool. It's genius if you think about it. doggie helps to clean you up, and you get to take a mini break because eating an entire marshmallow can make your legs tired.
 Step 16: Laugh again because this is disgusting and your a boy and that's funny.
 Step 17: Sit back up and put the rest of that ole' boy down the hatch. This ship has almost sailed.
Step 18: Smile about your accomplishments. That was some feat and gosh darn it you deserve some applause after that performance.
Step 19: Be sure to say thanks to those that helped you along the way … ride your doggie like a horsey and give her a big hug. You guys make one heck of a team.

Until next time … continue to tune into The Bennett and Maggie show.

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